Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase