Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
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Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How does one answer this?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see