[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The smoothest fall of all time