My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.