I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Support your local cemetery
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT