At least he brought enough for everyone
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breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“what that mouth do?” complain
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Midwest trash talk