My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…