There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.