I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.