Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
welp
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.