me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You Might Also Like
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
hackers play passwordle
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*