When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Well, this is awkward
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19