My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Traveler’s camo
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: