If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.