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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.