Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
the icebreaker
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.