I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?