Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Taking phone security to the next level.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.