parents: you are what you eat
kids:
You Might Also Like
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
is this a threat
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.