okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.