Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much