Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Um … Hot Wings please
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.