I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store