kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in