Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
handsome & gretel
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.