One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.