People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
welp
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.