Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m being attacked 😭
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.