I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
You Might Also Like
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”