I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
do horses think humans are hats
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation