Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus