I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.