10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?