#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.