ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
You Might Also Like
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I鈥檓 not here to judge anyone鈥檚 religion. I鈥檓 here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Coolest part of meeting your new man鈥檚 family is to see the surprise look on the wife鈥檚 face
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
5: what鈥檚 for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.