The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Word!