The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The biggest mystery of our time
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how much for the angry fruit?
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff