[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
crazy
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Did I do this right
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My Plans 2020
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning