Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…