My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Said the murderer.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER