If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.