When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Meow?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.