If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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<—- homeless romantic
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“You drive, I’m tired.”