@notacroc

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

@heatherlou_

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

@

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

@tastefactory

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

@zachreinert0

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@LackOfShame

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”