[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”