wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked