My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.