My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.