6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Venn
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.