6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”