Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“What movie?” 🤔
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.